Friday, March 31, 2017

sixtynothing Episode 24 Praises and Consolations



FADE IN
HELEN AND INEZ ARE IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE SILVER LAKE 99¢ STORE. A TOW TRUCK IS HITCHING A BIG WHITE CONVERTIBLE.

HELEN
Tourists...

INEZ
For sure.

CUT TO
INEZ AND HELEN, WITH FULL CARTS, WAIT IN A LONG LINE OF DIVERSE CUSTOMERS TO CHECK OUT AT THE 99¢ STORE.

CUT TO
99¢ STORE PARKING LOT.  HELEN AND INEZ ARE LOADING THEIR BAGS INTO THE CAR.  A YOUNG COUPLE, PAINFULLY OUTFITTED TOWARDS "FITTING IN" TO THE SILVER LAKE SCENE STAND, BEFUDDLED.

INEZ
Looking for a white convertible?

MAN (German accent)
Yeah.  It was parked here.

HELEN
This parking is only for the store.  They towed your car.

MAN
What? We were parked there for just a few minutes

INEZ (points to sign)
See, it says you can only park for the store.  You'll need to call the number on the sign.

HELEN
You'll have to take an Uber to the tow yard.  Ask them how much it will be. Probably around three hundred dollars.  And they'll make you pay in cash.

MAN
Oh my God.  I can't believe it!

INEZ
Yeah.  And we elected Trump too.

CUT TO 
INEZ AND HELEN USE PLASTIC FORKS TO EAT SALADS OUT OF PLASTIC BOXES AT A GELSON'S TABLE

HELEN
I could listen to that Michael Flynn line about Hillary on an endless loop.

INEZ (In a stentorian voice)
Immunity means you probably committed a crime.

HELEN
Oh, my panties are getting moist.  Say it again.

INEZ
Immunity...

HELEN"S PHONE RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS

HELEN (ON PHONE)
Hey Bananie.  What?  What?  You're kidding!  Unbelievable.  You do? Why you?  Yeah.  Of course I'll go.  Drive carefully honey.  Call me from the road.  I'll see you tomorrow.
HELEN HANGS UP

INEZ
What's up?

HELEN
Jim Hirshman is dead.

INEZ
Holy shit!  

HELEN
Yeah, car accident on Sepulveda.  Yesterday morning.  Jason flew down from San Francisco last night. He asked Hannah to drive his car to L.A. The service is Sunday.

INEZ
Why'd he ask Hannah, of all people?

HELEN
I don't think any of the Hirshman's have nurtured a lot of genuine friendships.  I guess Hannah is as close as Jason gets.  Although he certainly isn't her favorite person.

INEZ
Yeah, but no matter.  So hard for a kid, even a young adult like Jason, to lose a parent.  And you know, Jim has a daughter, Vicki, by his first wife, I guess she's about thirty.  I know she was pregnant. Must have had the baby already.  So Jim's a grandpa too. 

HELEN
I haven't seen him since that lousy party over the holidays.  God he was an arrogant bastard.  But still, how sad.

INEZ
Because he was younger than we are?

HELEN
Yeah.

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH SHOPPING AT ANTHROPOLOGIE

HELEN
I can't believe that you don't have one dress you could have brought.

HANNAH
Nothing funeral-y.

HELEN
You don't have to wear black anymore you know.  Find something in the clearance room or we'll go to the Goodwill.

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH STANDING IN LINE AT THE GLENDALE EGGSLUT

HELEN
I don't see why you want to stand in this friggin' line.  You don't even like eggs that much.

HANNAH
I just wanna see what all the fuss is about.

CUT TO HELEN AND HANNAH SIT AT A TABLE PICKING AT EGG SANDWICHES

HELEN
Nine bucks for an egg on a bun.  

HANNAH (sarcastically)
It's organic.

HELEN
Yeah.  Whatever.  Now at least I can check it off the list.  Been there.  Ate that.
HELEN YAWNS EXPANSIVELY

HELEN
It was really sweet of you to drive Jason's car down.  You haven't really been close to him since about third grade.

HANNAH
Yeah. He asked and I felt bad for him.  For all his big talking I don't think he has a lot of friends.

HELEN
Chip off the old block.  And I'm sure Jason's brand new BMW had nothing to do with it.

HANNAH
Not a thing.  But, wow, what a sound system. Sirius radio.  Leather everything.

HELEN
It's still sad you know.  Hard for any kid to lose a parent.  No matter how much damage there is.  Jim was a couple of years younger than I am.

HANNAH
You know Mommy, your death obsession really freaks me out.

HELEN
I'm not obsessed.

HANNAH LIFTS AN EYEBROW

HELEN
I'm sorry it comes off that way Baby.  I guess at sixty I've drunken in so much life, so much world, that it's hard to face that one day I'll no longer be a part of it. And each day that gets closer.

HANNAH
It makes me feel like I'm inadequate, not doing right by you in some way.  Like if I'm not who you want me to be, you're going to punish me and die and won't I feel bad then?

HELEN
Oh shit. No! No! No!  Oh Bananie!  You're perfect.  You're fantastic.  You please me more than you'll ever know. You girls are the best thing I ever did with my life.  It's all my own stuff, this mortality thing.  Nothing to do with you guys. I had no idea you were taking it personally. Now I feel like a monster. 

HANNAH
I didn't mean that really. Chill Mommy.  I know it's hard when people younger than you are die.  I really do get it. And I know you worry about Emmy.  Even though she's a psycho little spazz, who's relegated all of us to a lifetime of poverty, I do love her.  I'll always love her. That's one thing you don't have to worry about. Promise.  

HELEN SQUEEZES HANNAH'S HAND.

CUT TO
HELEN, HANNAH AND INEZ SIT IN THE BACK ROW OF A CROWDED CHAPEL.  A RABBI LEADS THE SERVICE.

RABBI
For our friends who are unfamiliar with Jewish prayer, Jim's son Jason will now recite a translation of the Kaddish, the mourner's prayer.

CUT TO HANNAH, INEZ AND HELEN WHISPERING

INEZ
Are you going back to the house?

HELEN
I don't think so.  We really weren't that close.

HANNAH
They're having deli trays from Brent's.  Plus you have to come because I'm dropping Jason's car.

HELEN
You had me at Brent's.

CUT TO
JASON, IN TEARS, CONTINUES THE TRANSLATION OF THE KADDISH

JASON

...Beyond all the blessings, hymns, praises and consolations that are uttered in the world...

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ DRIVING

HELEN
I do feel bad for Jason, as stuck up as he is.

INEZ
I screwed Jim.

HELEN
WHAT?

INEZ
Years ago.  When the kids were in nursery school. Liz was out of town. Nate was having a playdate with Jason and they were both asleep when I came to pick him up. Jim had a little hash...

HELEN
Jeeze Louise!

INEZ
To satisfy your prurient interests...Average size dick.  Mediocre fuck. Sucked my tits a lot. Sort of noisy.  Enough?

HELEN

Yup.

CUT TO
HELEN, INEZ AND HANNAH, SQUISHED TOGETHER ON A SOFA, EATING FROM PAPER PLATES.  A YOUNG WOMAN IN AN ARMCHAIR NURSES A BABY.  SHE RISES, PACES WITH THE BABY AND BURPS HER.  HELEN RISES AND APPROACHES.

HELEN
You must be Vicki.  I'm Helen.  We're friends of your dad's.

VICKI
You're Hannah's mom, right?  Jason pointed you out. It was so nice of her to bring his car.

HELEN
We're all so sorry.  What's baby's name?

VICKI
Her name's Jasmine.

HELEN
Oh, how pretty.  She's about six months right?

VICKI
Almost. Six months next week.

HELEN
Would you mind if I hold her for a bit?  I could use a little baby fix.

VICKI PASSES THE BABY TO HELEN.  HELEN HOLDS HER CLOSE, PATS HER AND PACES.  SHE RETURNS WITH BABY SLEEPING IN HER ARMS TO SIT ON COUCH BETWEEN HANNAH AND INEZ WHO LOOK AT THE BABY AFFECTIONATELY.  HELEN POINTS TO THE BABY AND THEN POINTS TO HANNAH AND NODS.

HELEN
But not too soon.  PLEASE!

THEY SIT QUIETLY FOR A MOMENT GAZING AT THE SLEEPING BABY.  ALL BEGIN TO SNIFF.  HELEN LIFTS THE BABY AND SMELLS HER BUTT.

HELEN
Needs a change.  Where's her mother?

FADE OUT


Friday, March 24, 2017

sixtynothing Episode 23 Yes, No, Maybe

FADE IN
HELEN DRIVES AND INEZ RIDES SHOTGUN.  HELEN'S PHONE RINGS AND SHE HITS SPEAKER

HELEN
Hi Emmy honey.  How goes it?

EMMA (over phone)
I'm fine Mommy...

HELEN
Mommy, huh?  How much do you need?

EMMA
I don't just call you Mommy when I need money.  I always call you Mommy.

HELEN
Uh huh...

EMMA
But...you know with the snowstorm I was off work for three days...

HELEN
How much?

EMMY
Maybe a hundred?

HELEN
Can you just buy what you need with a card?

EMMY
Yeah, sure.  The Travel Rewards?

HELEN
Nah.  I think that one's close to maxed out. Use the Amex.

EMMY
Thanks Mom.

HELEN
See. Now it's Mom.

EMMY
Oh quit it.  Are you driving?

HELEN
Yup.  Nezzy and I are going to a restaurant preview.

EMMY
Cool.  Your favorite.  Free food.  But what about your diet?

HELEN
Been good.  Won't embarrass you at graduation.  Eating well and walking five miles a day.  Plus the price of cigarettes doubles on April first and I am absolutely positively not buying any more.

INEZ ROLLS HER EYES

HELEN
Fuck off Nezzy.  I mean it.

EMMY (sarcastically)
Yeah Nezzy, she means it!

HELEN
Fuck you too!  

EMMY
Where's the restaurant?

HELEN
Highland Park.  York.  Remember where The Castanet used to be?

EMMY
Oh no!  The Castanet is gone.  I loved their machaca.  God the whole neighborhood's gone hipster.

HELEN
Yup.  This one's "modern Jewish food." Called Tchotchke.  Young gal chef who used to work for Roy Choi.  And we're driving up now. Remember to use the Amex and not the Travel Rewards card.  I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you!

EMMY
Love you too MOMMY.  Bye.

INEZ
Helen, you know that if you ever need any money you just have to ask.

HELEN
I wish I could say that it will never come to that, but you never know.  How humiliating to be sixty years old and still be juggling bills and borrowing money.

INEZ
Yeah, well I know how different things would be it your pop believed in paying taxes.

CUT TO
HELEN AND INEZ MINGLE WITH EASTSIDE HIPSTERS AT A STARK MODERN RESTAURANT AS HORS D'OEUVRES AND DRINKS ARE PASSED.

A YOUNG TATTOOED GIRL AND HER FRIEND APPROACH HELEN

SUNNY
Hi Helen!  Remember me?

HELEN
Of course!  How are you Sunny?

THEY HUG

SUNNY (TO HER FRIEND)
Remember Hannah McIntyre from Marshall?

FRIEND
Oh, are you Hannah's grandma?

CUT TO
INEZ AND HELEN CONTINUE TO MINGLE AND SAMPLE THE FOOD BEING PASSED

AN OLDER WOMAN APPROACHES HELEN

WOMAN
You're Helen Holloway, right?

HELEN
Yes.  But I've been Helen McIntyre for over twenty five years.

WOMAN
I used to eat at your Dad's restaurant when I was a tiny girl.  It was so glamorous and full of movie stars and they used to fillet the fish and toss the salads right at the table. Then you took over, right?

HELEN
Yup.  I did.

WOMAN
I was so sorry when it closed.

HELEN
Me too.

CUT TO
1962

A LARGE BUSTLING RESTAURANT WITH TUXEDOED WAITERS AND CROWDED WITH BOISTEROUS CUSTOMERS IN EVENING CLOTHES.

A SIX YEAR OLD HELEN SITS AT THE BAR NURSING A SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

HAL (to bartender)
Cut her off the Shirley Temples Nick.  Switch her to Tab.  Her mother says she's getting fat.

HAL (to Helen)
Daddy has to work a little longer.

HELEN
But you said we were gonna go.  

HAL
I know Dolly but it's really busy and two waiters are out.  Daddy has to work to make sure Mommy gets her check.

HAL WORKS THE ROOM, GREETING CUSTOMERS, SHAKING HANDS, SLAPPING BACKS AND KISSING WOMEN.  A TIPSY COUPLE SITS ON BAR STOOLS NEXT TO HELEN

MAN
You know Hal's name isn't really Holloway.

WOMAN
Oh?

MAN
Yeah, it's Hirshfield, or Hebestein or something.

WOMAN (to Helen)

Are you the daughter?

HELEN
Hal's my dad.  He owns this restaurant.

WOMAN
Is your mom the first or second wife?

HELEN
The first.  The second is my stepmother.

WOMAN
You should tell your Mommy to straighten your hair.

MAN (TO WOMAN)
Yeah.   She looks like a schvartze.

CUT TO

YOUNG HELEN IS SLEEPING WITH HER HEAD ON THE BAR.  HAL IS SEEN IN THE BACKGROUND TALKING TO A WAITRESS.  SHE IS UNHAPPY.  HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND SLIPS HER A FEW BILLS.

HAL GENTLY WAKES HELEN WHO LOOKS AT HIM WITH BLEARY EYES

HAL
Dolly, Daddy has to stay late.  There's a big wedding tomorrow and I have to help them get ready in the kitchen.  Connie is going to take you to sleep at her house.  It will be like a slumber party.  You'll have so much fun.

HELEN BEGINS TO WEEP

HAL
Dolly, you'll have a swell time with Connie. Daddy promises.  And I'll come early and get you and we'll go have pancakes at Dupar's before I take you back to Mommy.

CUT TO
PARKING LOT OF HOLLOWAY'S. CONNIE IS BEHIND THE WHEEL AND YOUNG HELEN IN THE PASSENGER SEAT CRYING.

CONNIE
Don't cry Helen.  I have the new Beatles record.  We can play it!

HELEN
Where's my suitcase?  It was in Daddy's office.

CONNIE
I'm sure Daddy will bring it when he picks you up tomorrow.

HELEN (wailing)
It has my nightgown.  And my toothbrush.  And my Barbies.

CONNIE
Ok honey.  Wait here.  I'll run in and get it for you.

CUT TO HAL AND A VERY SHAPELY YOUNG WOMAN. THEY LEAVE THE HOLLOWAY AND WALK TO HIS CAR. HE OPENS THE DOOR FOR HER AND KISSES HER NECK AND SLIDES HIS HAND DOWN HER REAR AS SHE GETS IN THE CAR.


CUT TO RESTAURANT OPENING.  SERVERS OFFER HELEN ITEMS FROM TRAYS AND SHE SADLY REFUSES. THE FEMALE CHEF LEAVES THE KITCHEN AND APPROACHES HELEN.

CHEF
Helen!  It's really an honor to have you here.

HELEN
Me?

CHEF
Will you come into the kitchen with me for a sec?

CUT TO 
THE CHEF OFFERS HELEN A SPOONFUL OF SOUP.

HELEN
Wow!

CHEF
Get it?

HELEN
It reminds me of my borsht.  Lovely.  Oh. There's sorrel.  So nice.  And all of the other food is amazing.

THE CHEF REACHES TO A SHELF AND PULLS DOWN A TATTERED DOGEARED COOKBOOK.  "HOLLOWAY" BY HELEN HOLLOWAY

HELEN
Oh my God. That was like 1979.

CHEF
Sorry it's so dirty but I use it all the time. I can't tell you how much I love it. Would you mind signing it?

SHE HANDS HELEN A PEN.  HELEN SIGNS THE BOOK.

HELEN
You've done a wonderful job dear.  It's absolutely spectacular.  Mazel Tov!

CHEF
The truth is that I'm terrified.

HELEN
Tell me about it.  But, you'll be fine.

CHEF
Do you miss running a restaurant?

HELEN REFLECTS ON THIS FOR A MOMENT.

HELEN
Yes....No...Maybe...


Friday, March 17, 2017

sixtynothing Episode 22 The Springs




FADE IN

HELEN IS PACKING ITEMS FROM HER KITCHEN INTO A BOX AND TALKING ON THE PHONE.  IAN SITS READING WITH MARVIN THE CAT ON HIS LAP.

HELEN
Yes Mandy.  I understand that you take care of all the doctor's billings.  I don't want to give you a hard time.  Really,  I just want to have a word with him.  I'm not usurping your authority or anything. Really. I just have a couple of questions.  Tell him that this crazy woman from California is making you insane and is being relentless to get him to call me.  Thanks so much.  You're a doll.

HELEN HANGS UP THE PHONE

HELEN
Sanctimonious twat...

IAN
Given our current financial stresses, maybe this trip to Palm Springs isn't the greatest idea.

HELEN
Marion's treating us all to the rental house. And we're cooking all of our meals at the house. 

IAN
You mean, YOU'LL be cooking all the meals.

HELEN
Don't mind.  I can stay on my diet that way. They're all having massages but I'll make some excuse to get out of it.  I won't say we can't afford it, I'll just say I don't want it.  Admitting I'm broke seems just as vulgar as bragging about being rich. 

IAN
No Irish "poor face" eh?

HELEN
Nope.   Don't talk about our bed or our bank account.  Though neither get a lot of action. You'll eat well at least. All of your meals are packed in Tupperware and labelled with heating instructions.  And don't throw out the vegetables.  And if you feed them to Fido she'll just fart all night.

IAN
I'll be a good boy.  But I don't get it about this girl's weekend thing.  I thought the point of it is to have a break from your respective partners so I don't see why both Barbara and Elena get to go.

HELEN
They're girls.

IAN
But they're a couple.

HELEN
You despise Palm Springs.

IAN
Loathe it.  But I don't see why lesbians get preferential treatment.  Theoretically.

HELEN
Do you really want to have this conversation?

IAN
Not particularly.  But you have to admit that I have a point.

HELEN
Yeah, a pointed head.

INEZ ENTERS

INEZ
Hi Ian.  Did she get all your food ready?

IAN
Yes.  Vegetables even.

INEZ
Are you almost ready Helen?  The traffic is starting to get heavy.

HELEN
Yeah.  Got my knives and all the kitchen stuff here.  I just have to grab my overnight bag from upstairs.

SFX-HELEN'S PHONE RINGS AND SHE CHECKS THE CALLER

HELEN
I gotta take this.

SHE ANSWERS PHONE

HELEN
Hi Doctor Morris.  Thanks for calling back. I really appreciate it.  My daughter Emma had surgery at Saratoga last month and I just got your bill.  It seems that you're not a preferred provider for United Healthcare....Yes, I understand that.  Look, my daughter was sick and scared.  They told her the hospital accepted our insurance and she signed away.  She didn't realize that they'd bring in an anesthesiologist who isn't on our plan.   Yes, I see.  I totally understand. Of course we're liable. Well, it seems that there's another anesthesiology practice, I think they're even in the same building as you, that is a preferred provider.  But you can't expect a terrified 21 year old who's in agonizing pain to do that kind of research.  They told her that she was covered and she believed it.  Yes, I totally get it.  Look, if you'd been preferred provider United Health would have paid you $1900.  Now they're just covering 60% so we're getting billed for $1000 plus the hundred dollar co-payment.  Yes, I understand that you don't have a relationship with United Health.  Yes, I see.  And based on my own experience I totally understand why you want nothing to do with them...Horrible company. I was just hoping we could get a little bit of a break.  United is covering $1800.  I was thinking maybe we could just let us pay the extra hundred United would have paid plus the co-payment.  Sure, I understand.  We're just in a little bit of a bind with this surprise bill.  Oh, Dr. Morris.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'll mail a check right away so you won't have credit card fees.  And tell Mandy that I'm sorry that I was such a pest. Yes, you have a nice weekend too.  Yeah, it's very sunny here.  I know you've been snowed in.  I sure hope it warms up for you.  Thanks again.  Bye.

INEZ
Helen is in the wrong business.  You should start a service called "Rent a Jew."

HELEN
Oh, stop it.  Can you imagine a less educated person navigating health insurance?  Probably put two grand on a credit card and then end up paying eight thousand in interest. Or declaring bankruptcy or some shit.

INEZ
Like I said, "Rent a Jew."

HELEN
Like Bernie said, single payer healthcare...

INEZ
Like I said, let the Jews handle everything.

CUT TO

HELEN, INEZ AND MARION PULL UP IN THE DRIVEWAY OF A BEAUTIFULLY MAINTAINED MID-CENTURY HOME.   A BRAND NEW MERCEDES IS PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY.

CUT TO
THE WOMEN ENTER THE HOUSE.

HELEN
Yo hoo!

ELENA COMES FROM ONE OF THE BEDROOMS

INEZ
Gorgeous new wheels!

ELENA (sourly)
Yeah,  Barb came home with it today.  A surprise impulse buy.  

MARION
We're down at the spa for massages at four. Helen, are you sure you don't want to?

HELEN
Yeah.  Totally sure.  I'm gonna go see that painting I like at the museum.  It's free admission day.  And then I'll go to Jensen's and pick up a few things for dinner.

INEZ
Oh, I think they have that Margarita Zinfandel I love there.  Pick up a half a dozen bottles.

MARION
Oh, And get a white too. Like a Sancerre.  Maison Delaporte is good if they have it. You know, they discount on a case.  We can take what we don't drink home.

HELEN
Ok.  What do you guys feel like eating?  I brought some herbs and vegetables but no protein.

ELENA
Steaks?

INEZ
Yeah, let's have steak one night.  And you know Helen makes this amazing shrimp with mushrooms and chilies. We can have that tomorrow night.  And I brought some very special chocolate truffles so everything will taste super delicious.

MARION
Gosh, I haven't gotten high in decades.  But it's legal now so what the hell?

CUT TO
HELEN STANDS AT THE MUSEUM LOOKING A PHOTOREALIST PAINTING OF TWO WOMEN DRINKING COCKTAILS BESIDES A POOL.

CUT TO
HELEN PUSHES A SHOPPING CART.  SHE SELECTS MUSHROOMS, WEIGHS THEM AND WINCES AT A SIGN THAT SAYS $8.99 A POUND.  

CUT TO
HELEN STANDS AT THE CHECKOUT LINE WATCHING THE PRICES SCAN.  STEAK $65
SHRIMP $50, BOTTLES OF WINE AT $32.  HELEN RUMMAGES IN HER WALLET TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT CREDIT CARD TO PAY WITH.

CUT TO
INEZ AND MARION SIT ON STOOLS AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER DRINKING WINE. HELEN, IN HER APRON, CHOPS ONIONS.

INEZ
Helen, are you sure you don't want one of these truffles?  They're so good.

HELEN
Yeah,  I'm sure.

MARION
And you're not drinking?

HELEN
Nope.  I'm trying to get back into my decent clothes before Emmy's graduation.

SFX-BARB AND ELENA ARE HEARD ARGUING FROM THEIR BEDROOM

ELENA
I cannot fucking believe you didn't ask me.

BARB
I thought you'd be happy.  It's so beautiful. You said you were sick of driving a stereotypical Subaru.

ELENA
Which did not mean buying a fifty thousand dollar automobile without asking me.

BARB
It was my money.

ELENA
We're married now. Remember?  It's OUR money. And I don't like fancy cars.  I thought you knew that.

BARB
I thought you deserved it.  I thought you'd be happy.

CUT TO ALL OF THE WOMEN SEATED AROUND DINING TABLE LADEN WITH DELICIOUS FOOD THAT HELEN'S PREPARED.  HELEN NIBBLES ON A SMALL SALAD. BARB AND ELENA GLOWER AT EACH OTHER.

MARION
Gee.  I don't feel anything at all from that truffle yet.  Nezzy, maybe I should have another.  

INEZ
Sometimes they catch up with you but go ahead.  You don't have anywhere to go for forty eight hours.


CUT TO
THE FIVE WOMEN STAND AND WATCH A DESERT SUNSET.

CUT TO
THE WOMEN PLAY SCRABLE

CUT TO
THE WOMEN PASS AROUND A GALLON OF ICE CREAM AND A LARGE SPOON.  HELEN EATS A PEAR

CUT TO
INEZ, MARION, AND HELEN SOAK IN THE JACUZZI. INEZ AND MARION ARE NAKED. HELEN WEARS AN OLD LADY BATHING SUIT.  MARION IS VERY OBVIOUSLY IN AN ALTERED STATE  OF CONSCIOUSNESS.  BARB SITS AT ONE END OF THE YARD READING A MAGAZINE AND ELENA AT THE OTHER LOOKING AT HER PHONE.

MARION
Isn't it weird about toilets?

INEZ
What about them Marion?

MARION
Why can't we just pee and crap?   Dogs pee and crap.  All animals do.  It's a natural animal thing. We're animals. Isn't it weird that we have to find a toilet?

HELEN
You shouldn't have let her eat that second truffle.

INEZ
Do you need to pee Marion?

MARION
Maybe I do.

INEZ (to HELEN)
Let's help her.

MARION
So you expect me to use the toilet?  I don't see why we can't just pee when we have to pee.

HELEN
Marion, please don't pee in the Jacuzzi.

CUT TO
INEZ IS IN A KING SIZE BED.  HELEN'S OPENS HER SUITCASE AND FINDS A FOLDED NOTE, OPENS IT AND READS.

HELEN
Ah.  Ian left me a little note.  He can be real sweet.

INEZ
What does it say?

HELEN
"I wish I were a lesbian."  Don't ask.

SFX PASSIONATE MOANS AND SIGHS FROM THE ROOM NEXT DOOR.

HELEN
Speaking of which...

INEZ
Make up sex.

HELEN STARTS MAKING SMOOCHING NOISES, JUMPS ON INEZ AND PINS HER DOWN.

HELEN (IN A MOCK SIMPERING VOICE)
Oh Nezy Nezy.  I love you so.  Let's never fight again.

INEZ
Get off of me you perv.

CUT TO
THE NEXT MORNING HELEN AND INEZ EXIT THE BEDROOM BLEARY EYED IN THEIR NIGHTGOWNS. THEY PASS THE PATIO DOOR.

HELEN
Oh shit!  Look!

MARION, FAST ASLEEP, LIES NAKED ON THE LAWN.

HELEN
You shouldn't have given her that second truffle.

INEZ
Should we wake her up?

HELEN
Nah.  She looks very peaceful.  I imagine it will be a while before she gets high again though. Can you imagine what the Enquirer would pay for a picture of that?

CUT TO
HELEN IS IN THE KITCHEN PACKING THINGS UP AND SIPPING FROM A CAN OF SLIMFAST.

CUT TO
INEZ, MARION, BARB AND ELENA ARE SITTING ON THE PATIO EATING THE ELABORATE BREAKFAST THAT HELEN HAS PREPARED


BARB
I really wish Helen would open another restaurant.

INEZ
She'd blow her brains out first.  By the way, we've gotta pay her back for the food.  I saw the Jensen's receipt.   It was almost four hundred dollars plus she brought a lot of stuff from home.

BARB
How much should we give her?  If it's too much I'm afraid she'll feel like a paid cook.

INEZ
I wouldn't worry about that.

ELENA
Well, Marion shouldn't have to chip in.  She paid for the house.

MARION
No, this is a gift.  Of course I'll pay my part for the food and booze.  But, Nezzy, do you have any more of those truffles?


CUT TO
IAN, MARVIN AND FIDO LIE ON THE BED WHILE HELEN UNPACKS

IAN
Were you in the kitchen the whole weekend?

HELEN
Not at all.  We had fun. Marion ate too many pot truffles and slept the night naked on the grass.  Boy, the tabloids would go crazy with that one. Could pay off our mortgage.

IAN
So, other than potentially sabotaging your good friend's career, what did you do?

HELEN
We went for walks.  I won three Scrabble games.  We Jacuzzied.

HELEN FINDS AN ENVELOPE WITH HER NAME ON IT IN HER SUITCASE.  SHE OPENS IT TO FIND A STACK OF BILLS.  SHE SMILES, RELIEVED.

IAN
I ate all my vegetables.

HELEN
If Fido starts farting I know you're a liar.

FADE OUT