Friday, November 25, 2016

sixtynothing episode #8 Tryptophan


HELEN PULLS UP THE CURB AT BOB HOPE AIRPORT, GETS OUT AND POPS THE TRUNK OPEN.  INEZ HUGS HER, PUTS HER CASE IN THE TRUNK, THEY GET IN THE CAR AND MERGE INTO A LONG LINE OF TRAFFIC.
HELEN
Looks like you survived Indiana.  How's Mama Campbell?


INEZ
Pissed that my flight was so early that I couldn't go to church with her.  And then she insisted on driving me to the airport.  I wanted to take a cab but that was too extravagant for her so she insisted on driving me herself and sighed all the way about missing church...

HELEN
Geesh.  Isn't she like 94?  And still driving?

INEZ
95.  Should've been off the road for ten years.  

HELEN
And they haven't taken her license away?

INEZ
She still friggin' owns most of Connorsville so no one has the balls.  She pretty much drives only to church and the market and DAR meetings so I guess she's not too scary in town but I used up all my Ambien on the way to the Indianapolis airport. The concept of "one way" is a bit elusive.

THEY EXIT THE AIRPORT ONTO A CROWDED STREET

INEZ
I really appreciate this.  Airport pick up is totally BBFL.

HELEN

No, you did an LAX for us so I still owe you another Burbank.  What about the other three generations of Campbells?  Everyone survive Turkey Day?

INEZ
My brothers put a couple of fifths of Jack and some weed on the patio. Mom is so gaga that I don't think she even noticed that we kept going out.

HELEN
And the spray tanned elephant in the room?

INEZ
Could have been worse.  The adults were on good behavior but at one point little Kayla started sobbing at the kids' table. Apparently little Justin had told her that Aunt Inez had voted for Clinton. My sister-in-law diplomatically dragged her out of the room and probably told her some bullshit that of course Aunt Inez would never vote for crooked Hillary.

HELEN
I dunno.  Maybe the subject being taboo might have made it easier.  We kept saying we weren't going to talk about it but then we started talking about it and everyone got pretty morose.  

INEZ

I know you don't eat meat but can we PUHLEESE stop at In-N-Out.  I'm starving.  I'll buy you fries. Even a milkshake if you want one.

HELEN
You had me at fries.

CUT TO INEZ AND HELEN WAIT IN THE LINE AT IN-N-OUT.  

INEZ (TO CASHIER)
I'll have a Double Double, fries animal style and a Coke.

INEZ (TO HELEN)

Wadda ya want?  Fries?  

HELEN (TO CASHIER)
Nah.  I'll have the same as her. 

INEZ (ASTONISHED)
Wow!

HELEN
Look, I've gone completely William Burroughs. We're on the cusp of dystopia.  Or worse. What's one more dead cow?

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ ARE SITTING AT AN OUTSIDE TABLE GNAWING ON GIANT HAMBURGERS.

INEZ
Maybe I can get into the Guinness book for losing weight at Thanksgiving.  Mama won't take any help in the kitchen and the menu hasn't changed since 1962.  She defrosts the Butterball, stuffs it full of Mrs. Cubbison's stuffin' mix mixed with margarine,and plops the cream of mushroom soup and fried onion thingies on the canned green beans.  Sarah Lee dinner rolls.  Cranberry sauce in the shape of the can on the Melmac plate.  The only change up now that the Piggly Wiggly is gone is that the pies come from Walmart.

HELEN
And served with Cool Whip?

INEZ
Do you have to ask?

HELEN
Ambrosia?  Did you have ambrosia?  I actually sort of like ambrosia.

INEZ
Nope.  Too foreign. But I did almost get laid!

HELEN SNORTS AND TAKES A GIANT SWIG OF COKE TO KEEP FROM CHOKING.

INEZ
Mama has been going on and on about the nice widower man who moved in next door.  He's the superintendent of schools.  His wife was killed in that junior college shooting at Oregon.

HELEN
Jeeze.

INEZ
So Mama had it in her craw that I would fall for Mr. Wonderful and save him from his sorrow and move back home and live next door. And of course join the church.  I lied and told her I was seeing someone.  He's a banker by the way.  That shut her up.  So we put Mama to bed, and bitch that I am, I left the sisters-in-law to clean up and went out to the patio with the brothers.  So there's this cry over the fence, "Is that weed I smell?" and my brothers say "yep, come on over Matt." It's fucking freezing.  I have on a parka with the hood up and a gigantic scarf and I'm stoned out of my mind.  So he comes over and he's kind of cute.  Bald.  I'm not sure if it's prison guard bald or bohemian bald but when I see his Lewis and Clark sweatshirt I know that it's the latter.  He says that he moved away from Oregon right when weed went legal. I guess Mama had gone on about me because he knew that I'm a musician.  So the sister-in-laws and their Hitler Youth drag the brothers out and I'm alone with Matt, shivering on the patio and he tells me to come over to his place cause he wanted to show me something.

HELEN
Etchings?

INEZ
Totally.  No actually, you won't believe it, he had a Catcall album.  The second one. On vinyl!

HELEN
Is that the one that Rolling Stone named worst album of the year?

INEZ
Fuck you bitch.  And it was the third one. And it was worst album of ALL TIME.
So Matt asks me to sign the album.  It was so cute.  And we have a little more of the Jack and finish the joint and then we're making out on the couch.  But then I guess it sort of dawned on us both at the same time that "it's ME doing this thing" and we both kind of mutually decide that based on the recent paucity of below the waist action it would just be too awkward to take it any further. He friended me on Facebook though.


HELEN
Wasn't Nate gonna meet you at Mama Campbell's?  

INEZ
That was the plan but Lufthansa went on strike so he got stuck in Hamburg.  He and the band had Thanksgiving dinner at a Hilton Airport Inn with Sufjan Stevens.  He's coming into L.A. tomorrow morning so I'll do a belated edible Thanksgiving for the two of us.

HELEN
Turkeys are cheaper now.

INEZ
And you're never gonna believe this.  Nate made an offer on a house in Montecito Heights and it's in escrow.

HELEN
Criminy!  He's younger than Hannah and buying a house!  Hannah just bought a new toaster.

INEZ
He got approved for a mortgage!  He finished that score for the Amazon show and now he's starting on a film. You know I was turned down for a refi last year so the kid has better credit than I do.  I had to get some papers from his apartment while he was touring and I discovered that he's sending his dad money.  Like twelve grand over the last year.  

HELEN
Douchebag!  I can't believe he'd take money from the kid.  Doesn't he still owe you like a gazillion dollars in child support?

INEZ
Nah.  Just a trillion.  At first I was spitting blood but then I realize, Arnie isn't going to change.  Nate has a good heart.  His complicated and fraught relationship with his dad is enough and he's certainly not obligated to avenge me.  So, Nate's keeping his dad in a grungy studio apartment and out of his car. The boy had a shitty father.  He's going to suffer with that one way or another for the rest of his life. It's cool for him to revel in being a successful person despite his lost soul father. Paying the asshole's rent is not a betrayal of me.  From Nate's standpoint I imagine sending off those checks is vindicating and comforting.  And me keeping my yap shut about it proves yet again what a superior individual I am. So, how was your dinner?

HELEN
I didn't chop the sun dried tomatoes fine enough for the palmiers and parts of them got charred and the chunky pieces didn't taste that nice.  The tea-smoked deviled eggs were good.  I couple of them got a little rubbery but Fido enjoyed them.  I told the butcher twice to take the bone out of the turkey breast but then when went to put it in the over with the thighs, it had the friggin' bone.  I didn't want to mess with deboning it so I just threw it in.  I was able to carve off enough white meat for the company but a lot of it wasn't done.  I made soup with it. The dressing was good.  I made the bread cubes from a brioche and put in some chestnuts.  I did the green beans in a mustard dill lemon sauce.  They were delicious but no one ate them of course. I hasselbacked the yams and cooked them with maple and chiles.  That's a keeper.  Very pretty.  For some reasons my corn muffins completely crumbled and then I made these pumpkin rolls which were sort dry and not worth the effort.  Bread is always my weak area on Thanksgiving.  But this year the desserts were losers too.  I tried a new pumpkin flan recipe.  I left it in the oven for like two hours but it never set up. Viscous liquid.  Tasted ok but looked ridiculous.  I tried a pecan pie.  You know I don't like pie so have never perfected crust. This crust was sort of hard and the filing was like cement.  Sliced up in jagged little shards.  Pathetic. I tried a pear upside-down cake but the decorative pear topping sunk right into the batter so it was pretty ugly. I'd rate Thanksgiving 2016 just like the rest of the year, about 90% disappointing. Legal weed and Trump.

INEZ
Ok, now that I know the real important deets, how was the people part? 

HELEN

Hannah couldn't get work until ten so she made it in from Oakland about 6:30 Thanksgiving morning and then slept until dinner.  Then I took her to get new tires on her car and she hit the road again to work a night shift on Friday.  She says dispensary business is up around hugely since the election. She's made close to two grand in tips.

INEZ
Tips?  Budtenders get tips?

HELEN
Yeah.  There's always a jar on the counter. Don't you tip?

INEZ
No.  And I don't tip the pharmacist at the Rite Aid either.

HELEN
Steve brought over a new lady friend. Judith. She's a psychologist and has this real affected speaking style.  I thought she might be British or maybe South African but she's from Chicago.  And she's one of those people who interpret every statement you make as a cry for her help.  Like I'm mentioning that the turkey's taking longer than I expected and she encourages me to focus on how all of the other dishes I made turned out right. Hannah was talking about what slobs her roommates are and Judith lets into her about asserting her rights about her space.

INEZ
Steve's going to marry her.

HELEN
Oh.  Absolutely. That's not even the best of it.  She keeps admiring our living room.  And the largeness of it.  And how adequately it holds over twenty people so comfortably. Well it turns out, Judith is leading a post election women's grief support group and our large, comfortable living room would be a perfect venue for it. I was real on the spot, kind of awkwardly hemming and hawing and Ian is looking at me with resting axe murderer face and I high tail it to the kitchen and leave it hanging.  And then, divine providence.


INEZ
They discovered that the Russians really had hacked the election returns and that it's Hill and a Democrat senate?

HELEN

Not that divine.  How many times has Steven been to our house?

INEZ
Does he even leave?  He's the Man Who Came to Dinner.

HELEN
So, Steven doesn't know we have cats!

INEZ
Judith definitely sounds like an allergy type.

HELEN
Bingo!  So she swells up and her eyelids start sealing over and she's bright red.  And then she starts making that puking a hairball sound from the back of her throat and croaking through it, "Steven, I asked you three times and you said that there were definitely no cats!"

INEZ
They've probably eloped to Vegas already. You know, these burgers are actually sort of gross.

HELEN
Totally gross.  Do you want another?

INEZ
I was thinking shake.  Would you share a shake?

HELEN
Ok,  I think now I think that we've crossed the line in the profligacy department.  It's been over two weeks since the election. We're not even going to make it to the inauguration.

INEZ
You're right.  Time to get a grip.  I know, give me a few minutes to unpack when I get home and then we'll do a couple laps around the reservoir and maybe some stairs.

HELEN (singing Gloria Gaynor song)

Oh no! Not I! I will survive.  Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.

INEZ

You know that you should never sing.

HELEN

Did he put his tongue in your mouth?

INEZ

I knew I shouldn't have told you.  Yes.

CUT TO HELEN AND INEZ DROP THEIR BURGER WRAPPERS IN THE TRASH AND HEAD TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT.  HELEN HOLDS OUT HER HAND.

HELEN
You, know, I think it's going to rain.  That new Casey Affleck film, Manchester By the Sea got a great review in the New Yorker.

INEZ
I'd see that.

HELEN
It's only playing at the Arclight.

INEZ
God, I love their popcorn.  Maybe we can go have a couple drinks somewhere after.

HELEN
The little bar they have there is totally nice. Did he touch your tits?

INEZ
Next time I have a sexual encounter I'll Facetime you.

HELEN (looking at her phone)
The movie's at four.  If you don't dick around too much when you get home we have time.

INEZ
Under the blouse but over the bra.

Friday, November 18, 2016

sixtynothing Episode 7 INSOMNIA





HELEN IS UNPACKING A NEW COFFEE MAKER.  SHE PLUGS IT IN AND LEAFS THOUGH INSTRUCTION BOOK.  IAN LIES ON THE SOFA READING WITH A CAT ON HIS STOMACH.

HELEN
I'm going to need a hand with this.

IAN
I don't want to disturb Marvin.

HELEN PICKS UP A SQUIRT GUN, APPROACHES THE SOFA AND POINTS IT AT THE CAT WHO AWAKENS AND HIGH TAILS IT.

IAN
You're going to traumatize him.  Marvin, I'm sorry Mommy's so mean. Go find one of her sweaters and sharpen your nails.

HELEN
Even with my glasses I can't figure out the timer on this thing.

SHE HANDS IAN THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL.

IAN
Given how you've been the last week, maybe you should cut down on the coffee?

HELEN
I wouldn't be able to function.  I have been cutting off the caffeine by noon.

IAN
And the weed?

HELEN
Taking the 5th.  Make it brew at 6.

IAN
You wanna get up that early?  Maybe you should try to sleep in a bit.

HELEN
I've accomplished zippo all week.  I gotta get back on the stick.  I haven't even made my Thanksgiving list.


IAN
Maybe you should try to keep Thanksgiving simple this year.  Can't people bring stuff?

HELEN
I have standards to maintain.  I've asked guests for libations only.


IAN
Better not be Two Buck Chuck.

HELEN
Yeah.  Will banish cheapskates to the kids' table and 86 from future guest lists. 

IAN
It's time for you to let this election go.  There are pies to bake and turkeys to stuff.

HELEN
I don't do stuffing.  I do dressing. You know that.

IAN
Whatever.  This is what makes you happy.  You love Thanksgiving. Don't let the election ruin it. 

HELEN
I've been giving myself pep talks all week but I can't let go of it. You know how Jews beat on their chests with their fists to atone for everyone's sins on Yom Kippur?  It's like a mortification thing.  I was complacent and now the whole world is falling apart.

IAN
Maybe that's a little grandiose.

HELEN
Yeah, maybe it is a little self important but man have I been on a bender.  Food. Weed. Booze.  Haven't walked or been to exercise in a week.  I keep telling myself that I need to pull myself together and fortify to fight the power but it's just not clicking.

IAN
Ok Emma Goldman.  Let's go get ready for the revolution by getting a good night's sleep.

CUT TO-
HELEN AND IAN ARE IN THE BATHROOM.  IAN PEES AND HELEN REMOVES HER EYE MAKE UP AT THE SINK.  THE TOILET FLUSHES.  IAN REACHES AROUND HELEN TO GRAB HIS TOOTHBRUSH.  HELEN TURNS THE WATER ON FOR HIM AND HANDS HIM THE TOOTHPASTE.  SHE MOVES TO THE TOILET AND PEES WHILE HE BRUSHES HIS TEETH.  THE TOILET FLUSHES.  HELEN REMOVES HER PARTIAL BRIDGE, PUTS IT IN A CUP AND ADDS WATER AND EFFERDENT.  SHE BRUSHES HER TEETH AND THEN APPLIES A PAPER FACIAL MASK WITH HOLES FOR EYES, NOSTRILS AND MOUTH.  THEN SHE PUTS CONDITIONING GLOVES ON HER HANDS AND PADS OVER TO THE BED.  IAN IS IN BED, MARVIN THE CAT IS ON HIS
STOMACH AND FIDO THE DOG SPRAWLS NEXT TO HIM.  HELEN GENTLY PUSHES FIDO TOWARDS IAN TO MAKE ROOM FOR HERSELF IN THE BED.  IAN CATCHES A GLIMPSE OF HELEN WITH MASK AND GLOVES, CHUCKLES AND THEN REALIZING HOW FRAUGHT HELEN IS, STOPS HIMSELF MID GIGGLE.  HELEN GETS IN BED, CAREFULLY PLACES HER READING GLASSES OVER THE MASK, TAKES A PILL FROM THE NIGHTSTAND AND PICKS UP THE ISSUE OF THE NEW YORKER WITH 
"THE WALL" COVER.

IAN


Is that a good idea for bedtime reading?   Don't you have some Chick Lit or Woman's Day or something?

HELEN IGNORES HIM, OPENS THE MAGAZINE AND STARTS TO READ.

CUT TO
IAN PUTS DOWN HIS BOOK AND TURNS OFF HIS LAMP.

IAN
Ok. I've had it.  You should try to sleep too.

HELEN REMOVES HER MASK AND GLOVES AND RUBS THE MOISTURIZER INTO HER FACE AND HANDS. IAN SITS UP AND LEANS TOWARDS HER BUT IS OBSTRUCTED BY FIDO.  HE KISSES HIS FINGERS AND REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES THEM TO HELEN'S LIPS.  HELEN KISSES HER OWN FINGERS AND TAPS IAN'S FOREHEAD.  SHE PUTS DOWN THE MAGAZINE AND TURNS OFF HER OWN LIGHT.

IAN
Try to think about sweet things Sweetie.  I love you.

HELEN
Love you too.

HELEN CLOSES HER EYES.

CUT TO

A BEAUTIFUL THANKSGIVING BUFFET

CUT TO

HELEN IS PICKING UP THE GIRLS, AGED ABOUT NINE AND TWELVE, FROM SUMMER CAMP.  THEY LEAP OFF THE BUS IN THEIR CAMP COTTONTAIL T-SHIRTS.  THEY RACE TO HER, HUG HER AND KISS HER MADLY.

CUT TO
ANIMATED SHEEP WEARING NUMBERED VESTS JUMP ONE AT A TIME OVER A FENCE.  THE TENTH SHEEP HAS A YELLOW COMB OVER. 

CUT TO

GROWN UP EMMA IS LYING ON A CONCRETE FLOOR IN A HUGE POOL OF BLOOD, A WIRE HANGER AT HER SIDE.

CUT TO
GROWN UP HANNAH IS WEIGHING MARIJUANA AT HER DISPENSARY.  SOLDIERS MARCH IN AND SHE IS KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR WITH A BATON.

CUT TO
HELEN, HANNAH AND EMMA ARE DRESSED IN RAGS STANDING IN A CROWD.  THEY HAVE HAVE YELLOW STARS PINNED TO THEIR CHESTS.  THEY ARE BEING SHEPARDED ROUGHLY BY STORM TROOPERS INTO A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS THAT SAYS "CAMP COTTONTAIL."  FROM THE BACK WINDOW OF THE BUS THEY SEE IAN STANDING.  HE HAS FIDO ON A LEASH.  HE HOLDS MARVIN THE CAT IN ONE HAND AND WAVES WITH THE OTHER.

CUT TO
HELEN JOLTS UP IN BED.  FIDO AND IAN SNORE.  HELEN TAKES ANOTHER PILL AND CLOSES HER EYES.

SFX--
FARTING

HELEN LOOKS AT IAN AND AT FIDO, UNSURE OF WHO THE CULPRIT IS.  SHE GETS OUT OF BED, GRABBING HER GLASSES AND THE NEW YORKER.

CUT TO
HELEN OPENS KITCHEN CUPBOARD AND TAKES A HANDFUL OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS. 

CUT TO
HELEN SITS ON THE COUCH, NIBBLING CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND READING THE NEW YORKER.

CUT TO
HELEN RISES AND RETURNS TO THE PANTRY FOR ANOTHER HANDFUL OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND THEN GOES BACK TO THE SOFA AND CONTINUES TO READ.

CUT TO
HELEN RISES, GOES TO THE PANTRY, AND TAKES WHOLE BAG OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS.

CUT TO
HELEN PLAYS SOLITAIRE ON HER I PAD.  THE EMPTY CHOCOLATE CHIP BAG IS CRUMPLED BESIDE HER.

CUT TO
HELEN STANDS IN FRONT OF THE FRIDGE EATING SOMETHING FROM A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER WITH A FORK.

CUT TO
HELEN PUTS A LOAD OF CLOTHES IN THE WASHER.

CUT TO
HELEN READING WOMAN'S DAY.

CUT TO
HELEN CLEANS A TOILET WITH A BRUSH.

CUT TO
HELEN PLAYS SOLITAIRE ON HER I PAD.  THERE IS AN EMPTY TORTILLA CHIP BAG NEXT TO THE CHOCOLATE CHIP BAG.

SFX
A NEWSPAPER LANDS ON THE PORCH.

CUT TO
HELEN STANDS ON THE PORCH, SHIVERING, READING THE NEWSPAPER IN THE PORCH LIGHT AND SMOKING A CIGARETTE.  

CUT TO
HELEN SPRAYS HERSELF WITH OZUIM. 

CUT TO
HELEN STANDS AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER EATING A BOWL OF CEREAL.

CUT TO
HELEN PLAYS "WORDS WITH FRIENDS" ON HER I PAD.

CUT TO
THE TIMER ON THE COFFEE MAKER TURNS FROM 5:59 TO 6:00 AND THE BREWING LIGHT TURNS ON.

CUT TO
HELEN SIPS COFFEE.  SHE OPENS A LARGE FILE BOX THAT SAYS THANKSGIVING.  SHE REMOVES PILGRIM SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS, A HUGE TURKEY PLATTER AND A VINTAGE TABLECLOTH.  SHE SIPS MORE COFFEE AND THEN GENTLY PICKS UP A SHEET OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER.  A TINY CHILD'S HAND PRINT IS PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE A TURKEY.  IT SAYS "EMMA, THANKSGIVING 1998.  SHE REMOVES A MACARONI FRAME MARKED "HANNAH, THANKSGIVING 1996 WHICH SAYS "I AM THANKFUL FOR MY MAMA AND DADA AND BABY SISTER.  I AM THANKFUL FOR MY KITTY AND DOGGIE AND MY FURBY.  I AM THANKFUL FOR THE GOOD FOOD MY MAMA COOKS.

CUT 




Friday, November 11, 2016

sixtynothing Special "What Fresh Hell?" episode #6



INEZ DRIVES AND HELEN IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.  THEY ARE STUCK IN TRAFFIC IN FRONT OF THE IVANHOE SCHOOL.
  
NPR FROM CAR RADIO
...reactions to the election surprise...

INEZ QUICKLY CHANGES THE STATION

THE OTHER NPR STATION FROM CAR RADIO
...protests at Trump properties...

INEZ
No news again.  Ever.  

INEZ CHANGES THE STATION. THE FLEETWOOD MAC SONG "LANDSLIDE" PLAYS.


HELEN
Not even Anderson.

INEZ

Not even Rachel.  I'm downloading poetry podcasts.

HELEN
I bought one of those adult coloring books.


HELEN AND INEZ (SINGING WITH THE RADIO)
...I've been going through changes because I built my life around you...

A CAR HONKS
INEZ
Oh for fuck sake's asshole!  If I could move I would fucking move!

HELEN
Why is it so bloody hot.  It's November. Creepy hot.

INEZ
End times.

HELEN AND INEZ (SINGING WITH THE RADIO)
..time makes you bolder.  Children get older and I'm getting older too...

HELEN'S PHONE RINGS.

HELEN
It's Hannah!  Hi baby! I'm in the car. Inez is driving. I'll put you on speaker.

HANNAH
I'm only going to talk to you if you promise not to cry.  I'm at work.  I have to keep it together.
HELEN

We're going to Salazar.

HANNAH
That overpriced hipster taco place in Frogtown?

HELEN
Cocktails!  Fifty different kinds of tequila! And Nezy's paying.

INEZ
I am?

HELEN
Nezy's rich now.  She sold a tune for a Subaru commercial!  Here. I'm going to switch to Facetime.  Say "hi" to Nezy.

HELEN HOLDS THE PHONE UP.

HANNAH
Hi Nezy.  Don't start crying.

INEZ
Hi Nanny Girl.  I'm all cried out.

HELEN (HOLDING THE PHONE AT INEZ' ARMS)
Look at Nezy's arms.  Have you ever seen such beautiful arms.  And she's a year older than I am.

INEZ
Six months.

HELEN 
Look at my arms!


HELEN HOLDS THE PHONE TO HER UPPER ARM AND JIGGLES THE LOOSE FLESH.

HELEN

Mermans! But Nezy's arms are just like...


INEZ AND HANNAH IN UNISON
Do not say it!

HANNAH
How high are you Mom?

HELEN

I had about half of a blackberry Kiva Bar. Dark chocolate.

HANNAH
Holy shit Momsy.  Those are really strong.

INEZ
And I had the other half.  Dee-licious!

HANNAH
And you're driving?  You guys are Cheech and Chong.

INEZ
We're engaged in a debauch appropriate to our shock and grief but we aren't morons.  I picked up your mom and she gave me the Kiva. We're driving to my house and then we're going to walk to Salazar so the THC won't hit me until we're home.  Unless this fucking traffic doesn't ease up.

HELEN
We're meeting Carrie, Elena and Barb at Salazar and then we're all going to UBER home.

HANNAH
So you got your Mexican American, your African American and two lesbians.  All you need is a Muslim and a P.O.W. to have all of the soon to be afflicted represented.  And then there's you two all stressed out about what hor d'ouevres to serve the book club.

INEZ
You're right Helen.  Hanny Nanny can be a real little bitch.

HANNAH
Are you two stoners listening to Fleetwood Mac?  Jesus.  The world is really going to end. 

HELEN

We're off news.  No more news.

HANNAH
You won't last a week without Anderson.

INEZ
She bought a coloring book. 

HANNAH
Well at least she didn't buy a pack of cigarettes.

HELEN TAPS INEZ ON THE ARM.  SHE SHAKES HER HEAD "NO," HOLDS HER FINGER TO HER LIPS AND QUIETLY SAYS "SHHHH."

HELEN
How's the business plan coming Nanny?  Did you and Sophie get the LLC done yet?

HELEN (to Inez)
Sophie and Nan are starting a consulting firm to help dispensaries incorporate the recreational business. 

HANNAH
Everything's on hold.

HELEN
Why?  64 passed! 

HANNAH
Still a federal offense.  And if Guiliani is Attorney General anything can happen.  I've got thirty grand in student loans and a BA in Semiotics.  I thought Hill was gonna help with some loan relief. I would need to put almost all my savings into web design. Too scary now. Why did you let me go to a private college?

HELEN
C'mon Nanny.  You got a fabulous education. No matter what, it's worth it.  Don't let that asshole make you go all anti-intellectual.

HANNAH
I'm not anti-intellectual Momser.  I'm just risk adverse.

HELEN
At twenty-four there's no reason for you to be risk adverse.  You know that Pops and I will always help you.

HANNAH
You always say that but I bet you're wearing underwear with holes in it.  You buy food at the 99 Cent store.

HELEN

Who sees my underpants?  Certainly not your father without his glasses and the strawberries at the 99 Cent Store...

HANNAH AND INEZ (in unison)

are EVEN BETTER than the ones at Whole Foods...

HANNAH

Have you talked to Slutty McSlutstein?

HELEN

Please don't call your sister that.  We spoke briefly.  I know that they cancelled classes at Skidmarks for two days so everyone could vent and grieve.

HANNAH

Don't get your hopes up but I have a feeling things may be going south with her and Brandon.

HELEN
That would certainly salvage the shittiest week ever a bit.  Why do you think so?

HANNAH

You know that Mr. Bullshit is an anarchist. He told Emmy that the election is a good thing because it would expedite the revolution. I don't think she's sold.  Maybe the dumb bitch actually has a few brain cells.

HELEN

I really wish that you wouldn't talk about your sister like that. 

HANNAH

I know.  I know.  We have to be close because after you're dead she'll be all that I have.   

HELEN (to INEZ)
You're right.  She is a little bitch.  Gets it from her father.

HELEN
You too had your share of drama and bad boyfriends.  What about Marco?

HANNAH
I was like seventeen.

HELEN
Nineteen. 

INEZ
And what about the NyQuil?

HANNAH

You told her that?  And you're calling ME a bitch?

INEZ
Your mom had two kids in private colleges. She couldn't afford therapy.  

HELEN
And don't forget, little sister's SAT scores were much higher than yours Nanny.

INEZ
But she wasn't on mushrooms.

HANNAH

You told her that too?  Fuckin' A Moms. Ok you two.  My break is over.  It's good that you're together and hanging out.  I guess. Careful with the booze on top of the Kiva bar.

HELEN (kisses phone)  
Bye bye Nanny Goat.

HANNAH (kisses phone)
Bye Momsy and Nezy.

HELEN HOLDS THE PHONE UP FOR INEZ TO KISS.  INEZ KISSES THE PHONE AND THE SCREEN HAS TWO BIG LIPSTICK BLOTCHES.  HELEN TAKES A TISSUE FROM HER PURSE AND FUSSES CLEANING THE SCREEN.  INEZ PULLS THE CAR INTO HER GARAGE. 

HELEN
How shitty that Nanny has to put everything on hold.  She's got such great business acumen.  This consulting thing might really be golden. She has all of that experience from Portland. Maybe we should have sent her to Cal State.

INEZ
Remember when Reagan was elected and we thought it would be the end of the world?

HELEN
Now I'd kill for Reagan.  I was so happy that the last awful year was coming to an end. And now it turns out that all of this mishegas is just a prelude.  I didn't love Hillary but if the polls hadn't been so certain she'd win I would have flown to Iowa and knocked on doors until my knuckles bled. 

INEZ
You know, we can't stay high for four years.
HELEN
Because?
INEZ
  I guess I'm going to volunteer with the ACLU or an immigrant support group.  

HELEN
Maybe I'll drive girls to Canada for abortions.

INEZ

Maybe Emmy?

HELEN
Now who's the bitch?  I hate poutine.  Do you hate poutine?

INEZ
Yeah, poutine blows. 

HELEN
How much money did you make for that Subaru spot?

INEZ
God you're crass.

HELEN  
I already know you hate oral sex.  Why is money so much more personal?

INEZ
I don't hate oral sex.  I just think it's boring.  80 grand.

HELEN WHISTLES

INEZ
A year for as long as it runs.  Dinner and booze on me.

HELEN
Should we get out of the car?

INEZ
We should get out of the car.  

BOTH OF THEM GRIP THE DOOR FRAMES AS THEY STRUGGLE TO EXTRICATE THEMSELVES FROM THE PRIUS.

INEZ
God it's still so hot.

HELEN
Should we UBER to Salazar?

INEZ
Good idea.  You can spring for the tip.