sixtysomething episode #4

Episode 4

HELEN IS LYING ON A FLAT EXAMINING TABLE. NICKY, A YOUNG ASIAN WOMAN IS PAINTING HOT WAX ON HER BROWS, LIP AND CHIN AND APPLYING STRIPS OF COTTON TO YANK OFF THE DRIED WAX.

HELEN

Well, I guess that's one advantage of getting old.  When I was young I had to get waxed every two weeks.  My girls get threaded.  It lasts longer but when I tried it, it hurt like hell.

NICKY

Quiet now so I don't mess up your lip.

NICKY TEARS THE WAX OFF OF HELEN'S LIP AND THEN DABS ON ASTRINGENT.  SHE HANDS HER A MIRROR, HELEN EXAMINES HER FACE AND NODS.

HELEN

I'm not sure if it just grows more slowly post menopause or that my eyes are so bad I can't see it. Maybe it's just that the whiskers grow in white.

NICKY

Ok. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up so we can go do your nails.  Did you pick your colors?

HELEN SLIDES OFF THE TABLE AND NICKY LEADS HER TO A MANICURE CHAIR WITH BUBBLING FOOT BASIN.

HELEN

Nah.  I didn't bother because you always veto my colors.  Just do what you think is best.

NICKY

Are you going anywhere special?  Should we go fancy?

HELEN

Yeah, choose something fancy enough for The Dollar Store and a root canal. Is there a color called "Autumn Ennui" or maybe "No Life 
Lilac?"

NICKY

Purple tones are crap with your coloring.  We'll do teal toes and coral fingers.  You'll be happy.

HELEN SURVEYS THE SHOP.  A DRAKE SONG PLAYS. MOST OF THE CUSTOMERS ARE TWENTY-SOMETHINGS WITH EXTENSIVE PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS AND NAILS BEING PAINTED IN VARIOUS SHADES OF GRAY AND BLACK.  NICKY RETURNS WITH NAIL POLISH, REMOVES ONE OF HELEN'S FEET FROM THE BASIN AND STARTS TO REMOVE THE POLISH.

HELEN

Do you have any tattoos Nicky?

NICKY

Nope.  You've never met my mom.  And I don't like 'em that much anyway.

HELEN

I'll tell you a secret.  My husband would kill me, but I give both of my daughters a thousand bucks for every year they go unpierced and tattooed.  

NICKY

I wish you were my mom. 

HELEN

She's still living with you and taking care of Jack, right?

NICKY

Yeah.  Still with my parents.  They make my husband crazy.  His mom is white and he barely speaks Vietnamese.  My mother-in-law is a school principal in Connecticut.  My own mom's been here almost twenty years and she still can't speak English or even ride the bus by herself.

HELEN

Does your dad speak English?

NICKY

Enough to buy thousands of lottery tickets. I have to keep my cash locked up in my car.  He throws the losing tickets in the neighbors trashcan and thinks we haven't figured it out.  Steve never says anything but I can tell he's desperate to move out.  I know his parents would love to have us, well especially Jack, in Connecticut.

HELEN

Your folks teach Jack Vietnamese at least right?  It's a huge advantage to master two languages 

NICKY

Yeah, I guess but they're so timid I'm afraid they're going to make him afraid of everything.  

HELEN

I assume that immigrating here from Vietnam isn't the easiest thing in the world.  I'm sure they went through a lot during the war.

NICKY

Oh, yeah.  For sure, they're both very PTSD. I totally feel sorry for them.  My mom would die if she didn't have Jack to take care of but I know it's probably not the best thing for Jack.

HELEN

My mom used to come stay with the girls once in a while.  She'd snoop around my house and get all judge-y about how messy it was.

NICKY FILES HELEN'S TOENAILS.

HELEN 

There are a ton of good nursery schools in Silver Lake you know. He's almost three right?

NICKY

Yeah, but he's not potty trained completely yet.

HELEN

You could put him in a Jewish school then. They don't care about potty training.  And here on the Eastside the Jews are super into diversity.  He'd learn a couple of Hebrew songs but they'd housebreak him.

NICKY

It's funny that it's such a different world around here.  I worked at a shop in Beverly Hills for a year. The customers spoke to me super slow like I didn't speak English.  TRIM THE CUE TIC CAL. The shop had valet parking and they all drive fancy cars.  And they tipped like 10%.

HELEN

Oh yeah, You're way better off in bleeding heart liberal Silver Lake. 

NICKY

Yeah.  Totally.  But when I told my father-in-law that I voted for Bernie Sanders he was insane. After the war and communism and stuff most Vietnamese are super conservative.  It's weird.  We lived with cousins in Indianapolis for a year before we moved to Alhambra. The Vietnamese there were just as Republican as the white people but the white people hated them anyway.

NICKY MASSAGES AN EXFOLIATING SCRUB INTO HELEN'S FEET.

HELEN

Indianapolis?  How weird.  Is there any kind of Asian community there?

NICKY

Practically none. When we got to Alhambra and my mom went to the 99 Ranch Market she started to cry.  Indianapolis sucked but San Gabriel is TOO Asian.  I wish we could move to Eagle Rock or some place where there's more of a mix.

HELEN

The banh mi in Eagle Rock completely suck!

NICKY

Somebody brought me one from that place on Hyperion and it was like eight dollars and totally bad.

HELEN

Where do you go in San Gabriel?  We use to go to My Tho but they switched up the bread and it isn't good any more.  

NICKY

And they raised the prices too and the old lady is a real bitch. Thank god my parents don't speak English, the way I talk now.

HELEN

What's your Vietnamese name?

NICKY

It's "Cuc."  It means chrysanthemum.  I switched to Nicky because everyone pronounced it "cock."  My parents just call me "Gai," It means "girl."  It's like they're calling me "waitress" but I'm so used to it.  

HELEN

You know they opened a Che Cali in Pasadena. There's a Lee's there too.

NICKY

I'd rather eat McDonalds.

HELEN

Yeah,  They both suck don't they.  What about Mr. Baguette?

NICKY

That's the best!  Especially the sesame bread!

HELEN

I love 'em but they do this weird thing, unless I say like ten times VIETNAMESE they make me these American style sandwiches with American cheese and French's mustard.  They opened a branch downtown but it's not open on the weekends.  Plus they charge like twice as much.

NICKY BEGINS TO APPLY POLISH TO HELEN'S TOES. THE MANICURE CHAIRS HAVE ALL FILLED UP AND ASIAN MANICURISTS BUSILY MANICURE AND PEDICURE.

HELEN

Holy shit. It's January Jones.

NICKY

Who?

HELEN

The blonde over on the left.  She was Betty on Madmen.

NICKY

Oh, her.  She comes in all the time.  Has a big bunion.  I heard Madman is great.  We're still on The Sopranos.

HELEN

I loved Madmen.  The one thing that bugged me is that it was supposed to be Manhattan but it was so obviously shot in L.A.  My girls loved it. They wanted all the clothes.  They couldn't believe that women were treated that way in the 50s and 60s.  I guess that's one good thing about Trump, all that sort of subtle degrading shit that men have gotten away with for years is finally getting some attention.  I'm glad Emmy and Hannah won't have to go through that crap.

NICKY

How are the girls?

HELEN

Oh, They're both good.  I worry though that I've always done so much stuff for them that they're clueless. Emmy bought this blouse on ETSY and it got lost in the mail and she nearly fell apart. God knows why she's buying a blouse when Ian and I are clipping coupons so we can cover her rent. Anyway, I had to log on to her account and get it all straightened out. Sometimes I think it's my fault that she's so helpless.  I bet your role is totally reversed with your mom.

NICKY MOVES TO A HIGHER STOOL AND STARTS TO FILE HELEN'S FINGERNAILS.

NICKY

Oh yeah.  I'm totally jealous of American girls with mothers to take care of them.  I got an hysterical call from my mom just this morning when the DWP came to read the meter. She never talks about what she went through in Vietnam though but I'm sure it was terrible.  I really try to be patient with her but she's always on my case because I don't wait on Steven hand and foot.  He was washing dishes the other night and I thought she was going to murder me. Your nails don't look bad.  I'm going to do an extra coat of gel again. Is the blouse cute?

HELEN

Yeah.  It last's longer with the extra gel. Oh, it's a darling blouse.  I'm sure Hannah's new boyfriend has never washed a dish in his life.  The kid is Jewish and from a wealthy family and I still can't stand him.  He treats me like a maid and is militant about not using coasters.  I miss George.  He was the sweetest thing.  Parents are real bible thumpers in Arkansas but I totally loved the kid.  I'm still not sure why she broke up with him. Did you have boyfriends before Stephen?

NICKY

I went on a couple dates in Indianapolis but my English wasn't very good and I was shy and out of it. I only met Stephen when some of my friends forced me to go to karaoke and some of his friends forced him to go to karaoke and we were both sitting in the back being miserable. 

HELEN

Is he still working at Fox?

NICKY

Yeah, he switched to the home entertainment division in Glendale so it's much closer. He gets home earlier.  I might take a business course at East L.A. College. 

HELEN

That would be so cool.  Would you start your own nail shop?

NICKY

Dunno.   I like doing nails.  Especially here, but I've sort of always wanted to do something with food.  I dunno.  My parents would probably have a fit if I took night courses.

HELEN

Where'd you get your manicure license?

NICKY

We moved to L.A. and the next day my uncle took me and enrolled me at a vocational school in Rosemead.  It's not like American kids. They decided I would learn manicure so I learned manicure. Thank God I don't hate it but I don't see myself doing it forever. Steven's good with whatever I want to do but my parents are a different story.

NICKY APPLIES POLISH TO HELEN'S FINGERS AND PUTS HER HAND INSIDE A DRYING DEVICE.

HELEN

God, I think if I told my girls to breathe that they wouldn't do it just to spite me. You know, they're both way more confrontational and assertive than I am. They'd be great businesswomen I think but no. Liberal arts all the way.  Theater and Art History.  I'll probably be mailing their rent checks from the rest home.

NICKY MASSAGES HELEN'S HANDS.

NICKY

Well, Hannah's got the rich boyfriend.

HELEN

I'd rather be a bag lady and keep paying her rent.  But seriously, it's so cool that you're taking classes.

NICKY

I am THINKING about taking classes and whether it's worth having a big fight with my parents over.  You're done.  You like?

HELEN EXAMINES HER FINGERS AND TOES

HELEN

I have never in my life had a better mani/pedi.  Part of me selfishly hopes that you will stay right here.

HELEN TIPS NICKY WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.

NICKY

God, you really are a bleeding heart liberal.

HELEN

Nah, it's still cheaper than therapy.

THEY HUG

CUT

Sixtynothing Episode 3

Production note-While HAG and INVISIBLE are a commentary on our society's marginalization of older women, the writer has suggested to herself that it might be better if the project veer in a more affirming direction. Therefore, henceforward, HAG and INVISIBLE will be known by actual human names.

HELEN (WITH HER LARGE DOG) AND INEZ ARE WALKING AROUND THE SILVER LAKE RESERVOIR. 

INEZ

Shit. My leg is starting to spasm again.  I gotta sit down.

HELEN

Can you make it to LaMill?

INEZ

I'd rather lie right down here in the dirt and dog piss than be ignored by some snippy actor female.  And then the coffee's like twelve bucks if the bitch does condescend to wait on you.

HELEN

OK.  Fido's kind of a wuss but maybe we can get her into the dog park and sit down for a while. 

 HELEN'S BIG DOG BALKS AT ENTERING THE GATE TO DOG PARK.  HELEN YANKS HER LEASH AND INEZ PUSHES THE DOG'S REAR AND QUICKLY CLOSES THE GATE BEFORE THE DOG CAN BOLT.  A LHASA APSO IN A SAILOR SUIT HUMPS A DACHSHUND IN AN ARGYLE SWEATER WHILE THEIR OWNERS CHAT.  THE DOG OWNERS LOOK UP AS HELEN AND INEZ ATTEMPT TO DRAG THE LARGE MUTT INTO THE PARK.

WOMAN #1

This is the small dog section!

HELEN'S DOG IS SHAKING AND TRYING TO HIDE BETWEEN HELEN'S THIGHS.

HELEN

Small and SHY dogs.  I think it's kind of obvious that she qualifies.

WOMAN #2

But it's a pitbull!

HELEN

She is a mixed breed RESCUE dog.  A shy mixed breed rescue dog.

INEZ

Sort of racial profiling.

HELEN

God, you defended Fido.  And you hate dogs.

HELEN AND INEZ SIT DOWN AT A PICNIC TABLE.  FIDO COWERS UNDERNEATH.

INEZ

Stop saying that I don't like dogs. I don't like dogs in baby strollers. I don't like dogs being pushed around in a cart at Trader Joe's.  I don't like dogs sniffing my crotch at a restaurant.   I guess it's not dogs, just some dog OWNERS.

HELEN

So Fido can stay with you when I go to New York?

INEZ

Fuck no.  But I don't hate her.  You don't buy her that grain free gluten free frozen food do you?

HELEN

Kirkland Kibble and Milk Bones.

INEZ

And she doesn't have a wardrobe, right?

HELEN

Nope.  No clothes.  Oh, wait a minute.  She does have a sweater for when we go to Tahoe. But it's acrylic and it's ugly.

INEZ

Do you pay someone to walk her?  Does she have aromatherapy and massages?

HELEN

Once I bribed Ian with a six pack of beer and sometimes I rub her tummy but generally she's a very proletarian dog. 

INEZ

See, I don't mind a dog that knows his place.

HELEN

Her.  Fido's a girl.  Did you ever get a second opinion from Kaiser about the leg thing?

INEZ

Yeah.  The second opinion agreed with the first opinion.

HELEN

But the first doctor had no opinion.  He didn't have a clue!

INEZ

And number two agreed that it was just some nebulous "you know you're not as young as you were" kind of thing.

HELEN

Thank god for the dispensary, eh?  Do you still go to that fancy one in Eagle Rock.

INEZ

Yeah, they know me there.  It's stress free.

HELEN

I still like the one in Boyle Heights better. The Eagle Rock place is too earnest and scientific. Strains. SBD.  THC.  Metabolic rate. Mega-absorption. Blah. Blah. Blah.  I have no patience for it.  I like the Chicano clinics. "Yeah, this shit'll get you real baked man."  The last time I went though I was walking down Soto and some guy yelled out of a car at me, "Fuck white people!"  

INEZ

Geez.  You weren't flipping real estate or going to an art opening.  You were patronizing a local small business.  What a shithead.  Have you ever been to a Russian dispensary?

HELEN

Nah.  I usually hang with the homies.

INEZ

I went to a Russian one once in East Hollywood.  Super sketchy.  They did give me a "new patient gift" though.  A hash pipe shaped like a Kalashnikav.  

HELEN

I went through about half a dozen vape cartridges watching the last debate.  I keep thinking that the campaign can't descend any further and then he trotted out Paula Jones and all the others. One of the broads had on a t-shirt and a baseball cap.  Sheeze, they fly you in for a national press conference and you can't find something nicer to wear?

INEZ

Well, there's sort of a silver lining.  I had a boss once who'd beat off under his desk while I was taking dictation.  I needed the job.  I kept my mouth shut.  I kept my mouth shut about a lot of things in the interest of earning a living.

HELEN

Yeah,  glad it's started a conversation.  I don't want my girls to have to put up with the same crap that we just thought went with the territory.

INEZ

Even though it looks like Hillary has it cinched now I think I'm going to be real post-partum after the election.

HELEN

I totally get it.  I've been glued to CNN for a year waiting for the next outrageous Trumpism I can be all indignant about. I'm a total adrenaline junkie with it.  I was super annoyed when all of the coverage shifted to Hurricane Matthew last week.

INEZ

Oh, and remember that train crash in New York.  They covered that for a full day too. Bugged the shit out of me. Although I could watch Anderson Cooper go on about anything. He's the most perfect human being on the planet.

HELEN

I'm going to miss the Obamas.  Did you see Flea Bag on Amazon?

INEZ

Yeah, I watched a couple of episodes.  I thought it was more transgressive than genuinely funny.

HELEN

What about the scene where she masturbates to the Obama speech.  I know you laughed at that.

INEZ

Yeah.  I did.  Think about it though.  What if Obama had been accompanied by his five children by three separate wives at the convention?  What if there were centerfolds of Michelle getting it on with another girl? What if Obama boasted about grabbing women by the pussies?  

HELEN

You know I don't love Hilary but if for nothing other than the humiliation she's endured, culminating by having to stand on the same stage as that orange sub-human, she deserves to be president.

INEZ

You wanna come watch the third debate?

HELEN

Yeah.  I think we'll need some edibles.  You know it's the same night as Peggy's poetry reading.

INEZ

Yeah, I told her this and she said to DVR the debate so I have to think of some other excuse.  

HELEN

You can be sick and I'll have to take care of you.

INEZ

Deal.  And what about her GoFundMe for her stupid chapbook?

HELEN

I don't wanna give but everyone else in the book club donated.

INEZ

Yeah.  I noticed.  And most of them gave 50 bucks. I noticed that there were two anonymous 100 buck donations.  

HELEN

I hope she thinks that it's us.

INEZ

You know, I left my bag in your car.  It has my water and my pills.  I think I'm gonna need them before I can get back in motion.

HELEN

OK.  I'll go fetch. Hold her.

HELEN RISES, HANDS FIDO'S LEASH TO INEZ AND TROTS OUT OF THE PARK.  CUT TO:

HELEN IS GETTING INEZ'S BAG FROM THE PASSENGER SEAT.  A WOMAN WITH WILD GRAY HAIR, PEASANT SKIRT AND GLADIATOR SANDALS PASSES ON THE TRAIL AND CALLS OUT.

PEGGY

Helen!  I see you're getting some exercise. Good for you!  Make sure you get to my reading early. The parking is kind of messed up. 

HELEN

Yeah, sure Peggy.  I'm looking forward.

PEGGY

And you know, I'm doing real well with my chapbook GoFundme.  Just about everyone in book club has been real generous.

HELEN

Well, I always like to donate anonymously. You know, Inez is stuck in the park.  She's real sick.  I've got to rush off and bring her meds.

PEGGY

OK.  Hope she's better by Wednesday. Poetry trumps politics! See you then.

HELEN

Yeah, bye Peggy. See ya.

HELEN DASHES BACK TO THE DOG PARK.  SHE ENTERS.  INEZ IS STILL SEATED AT THE PICNIC TABLE.  A YAPPING GANG OF LITTLE DOGS SURROUNDS THEM.FIDO SITS IN HER LAP, CLINGING AND TREMBLING.

Sixtynothing Episode 2

HAG AND INVISIBLE ARE WALKING AROUND THE SILVER LAKE RESERVOIR WHICH HAS BEEN EMPTIED OF WATER, LEAVING A HUGE PIT OF DIRT AND A COUPLE OF BULLDOZERS.

HAG

I don't know why we keep walking here. It's so pathetic.

INVISIBLE

Supposedly they're going to at least partially refill it by next year. We could try Griffith Park again.

HAG

Remember last time it took us almost an hour to find a parking place and then the friggin' trail was crowded like Black Friday at the Glendale Galleria.

INVISIBLE

What about the fire trail in Elysian Park?

HAG

Yeah, maybe we'll get to see that guy taking a dump again.

A VERY THIN WOMAN PUSHING A DOUBLE STROLLER WHIZZES PAST HAG AND INVISIBLE, LEAVING A CLOUD OF DUST. INVISIBLE AND HAG GLOWER.

INVISIBLE

My memory is so shot I don't even remember if I were always this hateful.

HAG

If my own memory is correct you are not particularly more hateful now than when I met you twenty years ago. Although we both had infants and full time jobs so then at least you had an excuse.

INVISIBLE

Remember when Emma and Sadie flushed that kid's rock collection down the toilet at the nursery school?

HAG

Oh God. That weren't cheap. What about the big brouhaha when they found out that whats-her-name, the director of the Jewish Center was actually a Jew for Jesus?

INVISIBLE

Oy. I was on the board of everything. Neighborhood council. Synagogue. Pre- school, PTA. I think I had a meeting every night. I guess when the kids were tiny I really craved adult company. Now I think I've had enough company to tide me over forever.

HAG

Ahem...

INVISIBLE

Of course present company excepted. I meant people I have to wear a bra for.

HAG

Speaking of wearing my bra, Phyllis and Carl took us to Bestia the other night for Ian's birthday.

INVISIBLE

That's a tough reservation.

HAG

You know Phyllis. She made the reservation six months ago. She who-will-not-be-avoided.

INVISIBLE

Any good?

HAG

Meh. Fifteen buck cocktails with a whole bunch of shit I've never heard of and bacon.

INVISIBLE

I think that they make up those cocktail ingredients like gibberish and if you have to ask what shit is it just means you're unsophisticated. And bacon is so two weeks ago...

HAG

I guess bone marrow is the new bacon. Everyone was slavering over it. Grosses me out.

INVISIBLE

Yeah, I remember when I was a kid my mom would serve tongue. It never occurred to me that “tongue” is “tongue” until I saw one at the butcher store and realized that it's exactly the same thing that's in my mouth. What did you get?

HAG

Phyllis ordered these pizzas for starters. It's so loud in there that all you can do is nod and smile. I'm not sure what was on them. Specks of unidentifiable stuff. They were OK. Tiny and twenty bucks a crack.

INVISIBLE

Yeah, I heard that it was real loud in there.

HAG

And if that's not bad enough all these hipster places blare bad 80s crap like Dire Straits and Huey Lewis. Unbearable then and sure doesn't merit irony now.

INVISIBLE

What else you eat?

HAG

Roasted branzino. Thirty two smackers! Branzino is nine bucks a pound at the Mayfair. You throw on some herbs and olive oil and friggin' roast it.

INVISIBLE

Gelsons.

HAG

Whatever.

INVISIBLE

I presume that Phyllis and Carl picked up the check at least.

HAG

Yeah, thank God. But I insisted on covering the tip and the valet parking which cost more than dinner for four at Adana. Ian nearly blew a gasket. Of course you can't have a conversation in the restaurant but we got an earful in the car. Carl's got a new Tesla.

INVISIBLE

The thirty grand one or the seventy?

HAG

The thirty I think.

INVISIBLE TURNS UP HER NOSE AND MAKES A DISMISSIVE HAND GESTURE.

HAG

Brandon is interning at Cedars. They bought him a condo in West Hollywood. Esme was accepted to Boalt and Columbia law schools. Poor thing is apparently terribly stressed out deciding between coasts...on and on relentlessly about their kids' achievements and the second home they just bought in Pacific Grove. I could hear Ian grinding his teeth.

INVISIBLE

Your kids are great. Totally worth bragging about.

HAG

Oh, yeah. Emmy just go promoted to assistant manager at the dispensary and Hannah had a epiphany and decided to get a Depo implant after her second abortion. Real over-achievers.

INVISIBLE

At least they're both college grads.

HAG

Sure. Liberal arts degrees they'll be paying off 'til menopause. You keep assuming they're prodigies and then one day you wake up, and poof! You're hoping they'll be late bloomers.

INVISIBLE

I want to be a late bloomer.

HAG

I've accepted that I ain't gonna bloom and I'm totally down with it.

INVISIBLE

Frank McCourt and Laura Ingells Wilder weren't published until they were in their sixties.

HAG

You're overlooking one significant difference.

INVISIBLE

Yeah?

HAG

They actually wrote.

INVISIBLE

Did you catch John Oliver? The thing with the raisins?

HAG

Brilliant. I loves me my Johnny but sometimes there's too much gratuitous swearing. Fuck this and fuck that. Sort of lacks imagination. Kind of grating.

INVISIBLE

Where for lunch? Momed?

HAG

God. The service there is non-existent and every time a train goes by it scares the shit out of me.

INVISIBLE

Night and Market Song?

HAG CLEARS HER THROAT IN ANNOYANCE

INVISIBLE

Oh year. Forgot your cilantro issues. Community?

HAG

I never thought I'd find a restaurant that's too friendly. I hadn't eaten there in six months and then I went in and they remembered my name and that I hate sprouts. And I'd used my Starbucks name.

INVISIBLE

What's your Starbucks name?

HAG

Amber. “Hi Amber! Long time no see! We missed you! Everybody, don't forget, no sprouts for Amber....”

INVISIBLE

What about Squirl?

` HAG

You want to wait in line an hour and pay twelve bucks for a piece of burnt toast?

HAG BENDS DOWN TO TIE HER SHOE. THREE PRE-TEEN BOYS ON BIKES RACE BY AND NEARLY KNOCK HER DOWN.

BOY ONE

Look out old lady!

HAG AND INVISIBLE CONTINUE WALKING IN SILENCE. A FEW YARDS DOWN THE TRAIL THE PATH IS BLOCKED BY A DOG WALKER AND HIS GAGGLE. HE IS TALKING TO THE LADY WITH THE DOUBLE STROLLER. THE KIDS ON BIKES ARE TRAPPED. HAG GRABS THE ARM OF BOY ONE. THE OTHER TWO KIDS MAKE A PATH THROUGH THE DOGS AND RIDE OFF. BOY ONE SQUIRMS FOR HAG TO RELEASE HIM BUT SHE GRABS HIS EAR WITH HER OTHER HAND.

BOY ONE

Lemme go you old bitch!

HAG (TWISTING HIS EAR A BIT)

Sixty is the new thirty!

INVISIBLE (DRYLY)

Forty...

HAG (pointing to a no bikes allowed sign)

Do you see that sign you little fucker?

THE BOY DOESN'T RESPOND. HAG TIGHTENS HER GRIP ON ARM AND EAR.

HAG

Hey, asswipe, what does the sign say?

BOY ONE (muttering softly)

No bikes.

HAG

I didn't hear you. What does it say, you little schmuck?

BOY ONE (a bit louder)

No bikes. Lemme go.

HAG (to Invisible)

Take the little prick's picture.

INVISBLE TAKES HER PHONE FROM HER BAG AND TAKES HER TIME SNAPPING PICTURES FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES.

HAG (to Boy)

I've got facial recognition software and I fucking know how to use it! I'm going to come to your house and tell your mother. And you know what dickhead? I'm a mother too. I have a son. He's 6'4” He don't like anyone insulting his mom. He's gonna come to your mama's house with me and beat the crap out of you. What does the fucking sign say asshole?

BOY (starting to weep)

No bikes.

HAG RELEASES HIM AND HE RACES OFF.

INVISIBLE

You got FLOTUS arms. I wish pilates didn't make me barf.

HAG

Do you just want to go to the salad bar at the Mayfair.

INVISIBLE

Sure. Whatever.

CUT